I did not let Al know that I was ill. It took me every ounce of will power to act blithe and carefree. After we spoke, I felt as though everything was spinning. I ran to the bathroom and puked. My mom and dad were worried. Mom cam and sat next to me as I slept. I was drenched in sweat. Today, I had to go to work. Went to the doctor. I feel ill even now. Time for medicine and sleep. Tomorrow have to go out with Mdh.
Yesterday, I literally ran to work. Reached there on time. The trains were not that crowded though. I feel tired. Mdh’s b’day falls on Tuesday. I have to go to a dinner today. Let’s see. I feel like sleeping all the time. Yesterday, Al didn’t call. I did not even get up. I was so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open. I still think of him every time I wake up. Now, I have to learn to let go. To forget, and to finally, move on.
With a bit of introspection, I feel that I can achieve everything I want. All I need is a bit of self control when it comes to helping people. People walk all over me. I allow it. I should not do that at all. I go all and out to help them out. That is where I should draw the line. Instead of waiting for them to command, I should appear as someone who cannot be intimidated. I should avoid being the proverbial doormat, the perpetual pushover. I should speak up, and not just that, speak out instead of drowning or wallowing in self-doubt. I need to rearrange my life. It needs a face-lift.
R and I played a few songs. I played the chords for Hotel California while he played the lead. I saw Al’s missed call. When I called back, there was no response which was expected. R gave me a book. I am going to start with it. Take some cool pics as well. I’ll play some songs. Practice well till they sound good.
Ah! It hurts… And yet I persevere. I was online when I saw Al logged in. I was in the invisible mode. I could have spoken to him but I logged off. It is the hardest thing I could have done. He is still online though invisible now. I can call him. I wont. If I don’t hold myself back now, everything will crumble to dust. These baby steps hurt so bad. But I have a journey to complete. Who said forgetting someone or distancing away from someone is easy?
Sometimes, a few good kicks by life makes you realize what a fool you were. You come to your senses, and start living again. What are the changes that I need to make? Aha, let’s see.
Hmm. Sounds impressive. What comes out of this change remains to be seen.
It’s a rat race. I am racing against time. My race is against old age, money, and social conventions. I have no idea what I am up against.
Al IMed me now. He is livid. It seems he got a proposal today. The girl’s name is same as mine. I wonder whether his mom thought that I am that girl? I wonder if they misunderstood and thought that it was she who has been calling him up? I am scared. The whole story might come out.
I have a reputation for being hard as nails. People say that I am incapable of romancing anyone. They feel that I am very intellectual, and I am not the kind of person who will go around with guys, and all that. The truth is, when it came to Al, I have broken many of my self-imposed rules. Though, I will say that though we have met, and talked, we have never touched each other. We have been good friends. However, there have been times when the conversation has turned intimate. We know each other very very well. He can practically read my mind, and I think he feels that I can read his moods. A couple of days ago, yes, on Monday, Mom and I were discussing my marriage plans. About how dad is quite disturbed about me being single. Dad has not been keeping well. I am worried. I am scared. I know that Al will never feel love for me. Al proposing me is out of question. It is hard to forget, but now, I need to take some decisions. Al has had a life of luxury. He likes babes. Understandably, he wants a beautiful, wife, from a good background, from a Catholic family. I belong to a different religion. Even if he asks, to convert will be easy because, I always believed in Christianity, but for my parents, I just cannot think of how much will it hurt them. Even if my parents relent, chances are that his parents will not be happy. I remember how shocked they where when they gave me a missed call on Monday when I was about to leave for work, and when I called back not knowing that it was not him, I had to speak to someone from his family. His rebuke, “You should call on my mobile.” He is comfortable with me. But he is comfortable with a lot of other people too. Where do I stand? Even if I die, he will not be concerned. He checks on me every day. But, I know why. He wants to justify the stand that I am characterless. The truth is: I can go to any extent to keep him happy. But, will that still satisfy him? Will he understand that? No. I pretended to like a lot of things because I wanted him to be unconcerned. I love him, but I keep up the pretense that I cannot love. I act as though I love no one at all, and that I wont marry. But deep down, I love him. That makes me go back to him. It makes it difficult for me to love anyone else. I cannot face myself. I feel that I am not beautiful enough. He deserves someone nice like Sn. I wish I were not a coward. I did what I did to save my love, for a few moments more with him. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to carry out his wishes, his desire for intimacy without commitment. I have skited the issue. Played for more time, flirting, and acting as though it never affected me. But now, it is. I love him, deeply. I love my parents too. I don’t want to do something that will make me hate myself tomorrow. Moreover, if I get married, I don’t want my husband to have a reason to be disappointed in me. How do I salvage everything? If I say the truth, I lose him immediately. If I don’t, I lose my conscience. The choice is clear. But, I do not have the courage to go through it.
O God, please give me the prudence to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I saw our old building, the one behind the market in the colony. We were living in the last entrance, top floor to the right. Commotion! Someone’s daughter had gone missing since days. There was a man who was ill, he had to be taken to the hospital. His doctor was in Malvani, Dr. SN. I know this lady, she had treated me. The commotion increased. People were all looking outside. We were on the ground looking up. Dad speaking to people and reassuring them. It was afternoon. Then, mom woke me up.
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